Something I wrote in my journal…I still feel it expresses things better than I can express them now. Maybe I am just not that angry anymore.
25th November 2007
I am so far from paradise. It feels strange, for my soul had begun to be convinced that bliss was a natural state of life. But idylls and oases are not a natural state of equilibrium. And I am surrounded no more by individuals who are calm and who can stop and just breathe in. Instead I am surrounded by people who are never still, constantly driven towards some goal, for this restlessness is the only thing that gives them a sense of purpose. Or by old men, who manage to keep their self-esteem only by way of a constant double-speak of delusions. All of them, convinced, so convinced of their own way of doing things. Formulas, equations and methods which are supposed to lead one to the Immutable Laws of success and stardom. “Glorify what is convenient and be-little the present in order to be perceived as superior.” “Do good work for the sake of being seen as doing good work. Do not strive for excellence simply for the sake of it. For being bright is not good enough.” “Do not take decisions after lying to yourself. For if you run away from one thing, another will come around to haunt you.” “Do not delude yourself about the state of the system. You are simply not being positive.” “If you quit, you are just a Quitter.”
Pat philosophies about failure, unhappiness and stress designed to make you believe that it is YOU that is the cause of it all. And if only you truly ‘applied’ yourself, you would find Nirvana! The fallacies, apparently can never lie in the logic of the Machine. It is the fallacy of your logic & inexperience. “See how unsure you are?”
If that was true, why are the things which give one the greatest happiness so basic, so fundamental and yet so elusive. Peace, Love, Laughter, running with abandon by the sea. Clouds. Sleep. Beauty. Complexity.
“Keep your sentences short. It helps one be clear in one’s thinking.” “Write simply. What is the point of being all over the place.” “What is the Single Minded Proposition?” “What is the ONE key thing you want to say?” “What is the ONE key insight you can drill it down to?”
In this eternal search for simplicity, I am slowly wearing down, body and mind. And presently, I will be convinced. Convinced that if I am unhappy it is because I have not tried hard enough. Convinced, that beauty lies only in simplicity. Convinced that the nuances are far less important than the underlying reasons and structures. Convinced that the mass extinction of languages is hardly something to be worried about. For isn’t our great search for understanding Humanity still forging forward? Convinced that there is no Machine, and that there does lie some sort of salvation at the end of all this toil. Salvation beyond mere recognition, for at the end of the tunnel, I will find my self-actualised self-worth.